Theme 9: Braving the Tiger: Mastering the Art of Tough Conversations

When we peel back all the complex layers that exist around leadership, we reveal one of the most challenging aspects that often is not addressed or avoided at all costs within an organisation - Open to Learning or tough conversations.

Leaders generally don’t enjoy this part of their job and can use a number of strategies to escape certain issues, problems or concerns instead of being courageous enough to tackle them head-on. 

Why are these types of conversations avoided?
There are a number of reasons.

A thought can exist that if an issue, problem or concern is left long enough, it will magically
disappear! However, for those of us who have led organisations, this is often not the case. Instead
what we tend to see is it manifesting and getting worse if left not addressed.

Acclaimed shame and vulnerability researcher, Brené Brown has identified a number of reasons why leaders don’t have brave conversations with their employees; these include a lack of courage and a lack of skills. Interestingly enough she also uncovered that often there is a cultural norm that exists in organisations around being nice and polite. 

This ‘nice and polite’ culture is about leaders being more interested in maintaining a positive relationship with employees than improving standards and outcomes. As a result, an organisation's vision and values are often severely compromised. 

What can happen when leaders avoid hard and tough conversations?
A lack of clarity and coherence in an organisation.
A decline in engagement and trust.
A lack of respect.
An increase in behaviour that is difficult to manage.

Recently I surveyed two highly competent leaders whose leadership skills I have admired over the years. One has been trained in either Open to Learning Conversations and both are trained coaches. I used the following survey questions to gather some data and gain their perspective on this important topic. Here are their responses:

1. Why do you think some leaders avoid brave, tough, courageous conversations?

Leader 1: 

• Emotions play a big part here. People do not like to upset others. They may be concerned that they could be perceived as not being supportive or looking after the well being of the other person.

Leader 2: 

• A lack of training of the Open to Learning process so, therefore, the lack of understanding of it and how to use it.

• A lack of courage – wanting to be nice to the staff. In my experience, these people really

come a cropper as they don’t understand that it’s not about nice but about effectiveness. You can do Open to Learning Conversations and maintain someone’s mana and your own. I have worked with many schools where the principal has not had clear expectations and in most of those cases, the school has been arranged around the needs of staff, not children. On the other hand, there are those that want to tell staff off. Sometime this might need to happen- in a respectful way!

• Many leaders do not apply the ladder of inference (not making assumptions) in their daily work so make all sorts of assumptions without collecting the data or information.

• Some of our leaders have a lack of self-awareness – those important interpersonal

skills.

2. How have you developed/refined your skills in this area over the time you have led an organisation?

Leader 1: 

• I try not to leave these conversations and ponder on them. You are better to have an open honest discussion with someone rather than leave a situation which you know needs to be addressed. These situations don't go away, they usually get worse over time.

Leader 2: 

• I have been taught a process through various programme and subsequent courses.

• Teach the process.

• Practice the process with leadership – a lot of training on the process and on the questions.

3. What have you learnt from the tough and courageous conversations you have had in the past?

Leader 1: 

• The person you need to talk to usually knows there is something that is not right and wants to get sorted too. They respect you for addressing an issue which they often don't know what to do about either. If it is a situation which they are unaware of, then they can work towards a solution in partnership with you.

Leader 2: 

• Use the process – it keeps everyone safe.

• Clear evidence and your questions are the key.

• Being present and willing to have your assumptions challenged.

4. What advice have you got for new and emerging leaders around developing the skills around tough and courageous conversations?

Leader 1: 

• Make sure you have someone taking notes throughout the conversation. 

• Stay solutions focussed. 

• Do not lay blame or buy into any destructive discussions. 

• Try to keep emotions out of the conversation. 

• Be open-minded, flexible in your thinking and prepared to change the outcome which you may have thought about prior to the meeting. You have to take the information shared by the other person into account before planning the next steps to be taken. It is a really positive feeling when you get a resolution to these significant challenges.

Leader 2:

• Do the training on Open to Learning Conversations or at least check out the process – it’s all online.

• If you have a Professional Learning Group, practice with them.

• Be brave and have a go.

• Prepare – follow the structure and prepare- including having good evidence- Be really honest and don’t pussyfoot around the issue. Clearly state what you mean. 

• WRITE IT ALL DOWN.

• Ensure you are going in down the ladder of inference. Make sure your questions are curious – you are really seeking to understand. Choose some good questions you might like to ask. Most should be open questions. 

• Be present – the first rule of coaching – arrange a time to have total focus on the person and the conversation.

• When you get to the part where you are working with them to move forward, listen carefully and reflect on what they are saying without rushing in. Use your pause button. 

• At all times work to maintain the person mana – if you follow a process, you have good evidence and you are well prepared and willing to get to a solution this will happen. Don’t blame or abuse. 

• Part of the process is to be accountable and committed to finding solutions – I say when I’m training – give one. You may have to accept some responsibility.

• PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.

• Regularly have training sessions with your leadership teams – it will give them confidence. I encourage mine to document a real conversation and come and try it out on me.

From their great responses, what themes and patterns can you see emerging?

What are the alternatives to avoiding brave and tough conversations?

If you are leading an organisation, there is no getting around this one. Tough and brave

conversations are part of your job as well as developing a culture where these types of

conversations are the norm. When I was principal of Te Uru Tarata, I found modelling these types of conversations gave other leaders in the school confidence to do the same.

As a leader, you need to take responsibility and play your part in tough and brave conversations. Yes, this does mean taking ownership for what you have done and said if needed. This does not, however, mean that you need to own something that you have not created and caused in the first place which can sometimes happen to help appease and cover over a situation.

All the experts around brave and tough conversations will also provide you with advice around staying true and explicit to your own values. I’m sure you have witnessed situations in the past where leaders have severely compromised their own values and as a result, have lost trust with their employees. 

As a leader, it is really important to be clear around your intentions when leading an organisation and sticking to your vision. Although developing a strong, positive culture where all employees get on is important, it is not necessarily what makes the biggest difference around improvement.

This leads me to my next point, the importance of ensuring people’s integrity stays intact during brave or courageous conversation. I have witnessed examples in the past where leaders have belittled or talked down to employees to maintain a level of mana or respect. However as we know, this way of often falling flat and creates more a lack of respect. Your role as a leader is to create conditions in your workplace where employees are listened to and respected. As a result, you develop trust and connection with others. Remember, always leave your ego at the door.

When reflecting on our leadership experiences from the past, I think we have all been guilty of wanting to create a harmonious culture, where there are few issues and challenges, and those that do come up are dealt with quickly. However, as we know this may be our ‘future perfect’ however not necessarily the reality. If you are going to successfully lead an organisation there will always be issues, problems, tension to deal with. It’s how we deal with these challenges that make a difference.

Finally, some important advice from Brené Brown ‘Clear is kind, Unclear is unkind’. Always ensure you do your best to plan any brave or courageous conversations you have within your organisation. Unless the problem, issue or concern is urgent, give yourself the gift of time. There are a number of models and scaffolds that exist, that can be used for these types of conversations.

If you would like to learn more about the processes around brave and tough conversations, please contact me. I also use an accredited coaching programme to work with leaders to increase their understanding and knowledge in this area.

Theme 8: Discovering Your WHY

Over the last few weeks I’ve been creating a vision and values for my new leadership

company - EmpowerYou ©. This is a really exciting stage of a businesses development.

My vision and values will allow me (and anyone else who may join my organisation) to:

1. Stay aligned to the core purpose and beliefs around EmpowerYou©

2. Create an identity and sense of uniqueness. 

3. Ensure the short and long term goals are achieved over time.

4. Keep me on track and accountable when working with groups, businesses and organisations!

The first part of this important process has been to formulate a WHY or core purpose for starting this business. If I am not clear about the purpose of EmpowerMe© and can’t articulate this clearly to others, there will be a risk it won’t be successful or gain momentum.

Sometimes people think a Vision and WHY are the same however they are very different. A WHY relates to our past and the patterns that have existed in life where we or our organisation has achieved success. It is the foundation of who we are. A vision relates to the future and where we are going.

Simon Sinek has been a huge proponent of the WHY movement across the world, and uses Golden Circles to define a person or organisations WHY, HOW AND WHAT. 

According to Sinek, every organisation and every person’s job / career operates on three levels: WHAT you do, HOW you do it, and WHY you do it. We all know WHAT we do (the goods we sell, the services we provide or the jobs we are involved in). Some of us know HOW we do it (the things that we think make us stand apart from others) however sometimes people find it difficult to clearly articulate WHY they do what we do! 

Herein lies a problem. If people working in an organisation don’t understand WHY they do, what they do, what purpose do they have in that organisation? Work soon becomes a means to an end. Life can be and should be better than this! Also as I mentioned before, consumers are often not drawn to organisations who can’t articulate their WHY or purpose and what stands them apart from their competitors.

In terms of the organisational structure of the Golden Circle approach, Sinek makes it clear that when using this framework we always need to start from the inside (WHY) and move out to the WHAT. When people are clear about WHY you do what you do, they are more likely to engage and interact with you or your organisation or buy your goods and services.

“people don’t buy WHAT you do, they buy WHY you do it”.

Simon Sinek

When establishing Te Uru Tarata Primary, a new school back in 2016, we became very interested in the thinking of Sinek. The more we listened to him, his thinking, mindset and energy really began to resonate with us. Because we were a new and growing school, our WHY was especially important. We not only had to make sure we were all aligned to our WHY especially when discussing teaching and learning however also be able to articulate this clearly and succinctly with new stakeholders and visitors.   

We decided to use his Golden Circle approach and as a result it became the basis of our curriculum framework. I don’t think many schools had used this framework before however we felt confident that it would not only ensure our new school was future focused but also unique and stood out from other primary schools.

Over time our WHY became firmly embedded in our culture and pedagogy and it created huge momentum across the school and wider community. We hosted a number of educationalists from across New Zealand and the world who were keen to hear about the high impact it was having on our teaching and learning programmes.

The great thing about this framework is that it can be applied to multiple groups, organisations and businesses. I remember taking a prospective parent around our school one day. We spent a few minutes in front of the Golden Circle Wall which was a huge visual in the Grove (our staffroom). He quickly saw a connection and explained that the banking company he worked for, had used the same approach! He could see how that although we were using it in an education context, it was also clearly aligned to the business world. 

Why is it important to define your WHY?

Discovering the WHY injects passion into people’s work. When your employees know your organisation's clear purpose, they will come to work knowing exactly what the organisation is about and more importantly aiming for. This of course creates alignment, energy and enthusiasm.

When employees can clearly articulate their organisations WHY, it creates amazing collaborative opportunities to learn and continually improve. This was clearly evident at Te Uru Tarata. It allows people to feel connected and an important part of an organisation. This is because how we feel about something or someone is more powerful than what we think about it or them. Being aligned to an organisations WHY allows for greater ‘buy in’ especially when changes are being made.  

Finally I would like to share with you my current WHY. I have purposely formulated it in a way so that it can be applied to not only my business, but also my life outside work instead of having two variations.

Here are some starting questions that might get you thinking about your organisation's WHY.

1. What is the purpose of your organisation?

2. What makes your organisation unique and stand apart from other similar organisations

3. Can you articulate this purpose?

4. Are your employees aware of this purpose and can they articulate it?

5. How might your organisation change and improve if you were to develop a clear WHY?

I would be really interested in your thoughts around this article.

If you would like support to create your organisations WHY, contact me.

Theme 7: Constructive Feedback

This article explores one of the most important roles of a leader - giving and receiving constructive feedback. Feedback has the ability to move and shape an individual or team in a positive way however as we know or have witnessed from our past experiences, it has a flip side. It can also be damaging and destructive. Before I explore some of the proven strategies I have researched and used in the past, I would like to unpack 6 important questions to increase our knowledge and awareness of this key leadership area.

1. What is feedback?

My definition is simple however it can be clearly articulated when needed which is important.

“Feedback is a process that enables people to take part in open and authentic conversations in a safe way resulting in a strong learning culture”

Q: If you had to provide a definition of feedback, what would you say?

2. What is the purpose of giving constructive feedback?

Quite simply, over time constructive feedback develops, strong and trusting teams. Teams that are encouraged to grow and develop personally and collectively. Giving and receiving feedback also demonstrates to people that you are fostering leadership in others. Isn’t that a major part of our role as leaders to allow people to be the best they can be?

Q: How are you currently using constructive feedback to foster leadership capabilities in others?

3. When should leaders give feedback?

Giving constructive feedback needs to be a process that you employ everyday as a leader. I fail to see how leaders can grow and develop teams unless they are using both informal and formal methods of feedback with individuals and teams. The Harvard Business Review provides an accurate statement around its importance in an organisation:

“Providing feedback is not merely a hoop to jump through when the time for appraisal or performance reviews rolls around. It should be an ongoing process woven into the fabric of everyday work”.

As a leader, how are you currently providing constructive feedback to your team or organisation? How much of that feedback is planned or unplanned?

4. Are there different types of constructive feedback and if so, what are they?

The Federation University in Australia’s definitions of constructive feedback are clear and concise. As you will see, they have broken constructive feedback down into 4 areas.

Negative feedback – corrective comments about past behaviour. Focuses on behaviour that wasn’t successful and shouldn’t be repeated.

Positive feedback – affirming comments about past behaviour. Focuses on behaviour that was

successful and should be continued.

Negative feed-forward – corrective comments about future performance. Focuses on behaviour that should be avoided in the future.

Positive feed-forward – affirming comments about future behaviour. Focused on behaviour that will improve performance in the future.

I like how they recommend that constructive feedback should always be specific, issue focused and based on observations. This signals the importance of making sure that the feedback conversations we have with people are relevant, targeted and data driven.

However, there is an issue that exists with these definitions. Can we always categorize feedback as either positive or negative?  What about the feedback that we need to give that is  hard, challenging and requires courage however it may not be categorized as ‘negative’. The strategies I outline later on in this article will address the need to ensure that constructive feedback always needs an element of a person's strength in an organisation along with achievable next steps. This means we can move away from defining constructive feedback as being either a ‘positive’ or negative’ experience.

Author and entrepreneur whose thinking I have used a great deal in terms of my leadership learning. He defines two areas of feedback: internal - how you feel or experience something, and external - what’s happening around you and the results you're getting.

Q: Reflect on the constructive feedback conversations you have had in the past. Have they been either negative or positive or have they focused more on a person's strengths and next steps?

5. Why do leaders avoid giving and receiving feedback?

Time is often a factor. As we know leadership can be extremely busy and time is precious. Having important constructive feedback conversations can move to the bottom of the list, however they always need to remain at the top.

Historical issues can be a factor for avoiding providing constructive feedback. For example, a feedback conversation that has gone wrong in the past which resulted in a relationship breakdown.

Knowledge is also a factor. Some leaders avoid giving constructive feedback because they lack knowledge and or experience which can be detrimental to an organisation over time.

Q: Have you avoided giving constructive feedback in the past? If yes, what have been some of the things that have got in the way?

4. When does giving and receiving constructive feedback not effective?

When it is given at inappropriate times.

When it is given in the wrong way. We have all heard the expression, it’s not what we say, but how we say it. Belittling or berating individuals or teams is the biggest way to lose trust and credibility as a leader.

When it is not given regularly and consistently.

Feedback is not effective when it has no purpose, meaning or relevance.

Feedback that is weak and superficial will often have no impact on people's growth and development. People often tend to dismiss comments that have no objectivity.

When it is avoided as mentioned above. Not giving constructive feedback gives team members the license to continue operating the way they always have.

Q: Think back to times in your career when the constructive feedback you have been given, has not been effective. What was the learning for you?

Giving Feedback - the deal breakers

Being honest. Remember, honesty builds trust, trust encourages growth.

Planning and Preparation is really important especially when giving formal feedback. I often use a script I have prepared and practised which creates a scaffold for the conversation I am about to have.

Self talk is a great strategy to dispel any fears or concerns you have when giving constructive feedback.

Some self talk prompts:

“I will deal with this situation the best way I can”

“I’m prepared to listen, use questions to clarify and accept that I don’t fully understand the problem”

“The person I am going to talk to has the best interests of this organisation in mind”.

I find this a powerful mindset approach when relating to others.

Continually seeking internal meaning either before or when giving constructive feedback. For example: “This is what I’m seeing, this is what I’m hearing, this is what I’m feeling” Using your intuition is important as a leader.

Staying true to your core values. This is what you will be remembered by. No more needs to be said.

All constructive feedback conversations need to be based on a person or team's growth and

development, not just the things that need improved.

I think one of the most effective leadership skills when delivering constructive feedback is allowing people to see your human side i.e. vulnerabilities, weaknesses, areas you need to work on. Modelling vulnerability and your ability to be open is a strength as a leader. It is also giving people the message that we are not perfect and this is OK.

Thanking and acknowledging team members for their efforts needs to not only be part of constructive feedback discussions (when appropriate) but part of your daily practice as a leader. I have also found in the past  that if I have used this strategy effectively, when it comes to having tough conversations, there is more trust and buy in from individuals and teams because they know you are not always just focusing on the things that need improved.

The language we use determines success or failure when it comes to giving constructive feedback. It’s also often what people remember the most.  As a leader you are regularly faced with challenges and issues that you are expected to manage. You can still get your message across in a powerful yet respectful way. For example: “There’s something that needs to change” indicates to a person that you are being responsive and strong as a leader however not dictatorial or harsh. I like how Brene Brown uses terms like the importance of being tough and tender when having brave and courageous conversations. There needs to be a balance.

The questions we ask. This is really important as this indicates to the person or team we are working with that we are curious, interested and want to know more. We are all learners!

The skill of paraphrasing to clarify a situation or gain further meaning. For example: here’s what I’m seeing from what you are explaining to me, am I on the right path?

I rate the skill of circling back when giving and receiving constructive feedback. Sometimes we are not necessarily positioned to take on a lot of information at once. Circling back gives us the ability to state that you need to pause and take time to think about something. I think as leaders there is always an urgency to deal with an issue or challenge quickly and then we can move onto the next thing. Circling back gives us the gift of time which can be a lifesaver especially when we are dealing with tricky and challenging issues.

I think feedback can be extremely powerful when leaders acknowledge and recognise the strengths in others and then use these strengths to not only address challenges, but also to develop capabilities in others. This relates to my comments above when I discussed negative and positive feedback.

Body language also needs to be considered when giving and receiving constructive feedback. Folding your arms for example indicates that you are protecting yourself and exhibiting power and control as a leader.

Treating people with respect. This is when we need to come back to our core values. I often ask myself, “would I like to be spoken to this way?” Practising empathy and keeping people’s dignity in place is crucial especially when conversations are tough and challenging.

Make sure you use robust statements that have been well thought through.

Time. As a leader you need to learn when it is the right time to give constructive feedback. Using your intuition and common sense comes into play here.

specific people. This is especially important when you are leading a large team. Keep a record / journal of your feedback conversations.

Always make sure what you are delivering in terms of constructive feedback has a context or relates to appraisal or performance goals.

Carefully consider where you are giving feedback. Is the location appropriate? Vulnerability and shame researcher, Brene Brown reminds us that we are ready to give feedback, when we are sitting next to the person instead of across from them. This demonstrates that we have considered the relationship and there is no power differential.

Receiving Feedback - the mind shifters

Own your part in a constructive feedback conversation. As a leader, you need to give people the opportunity to share what they need to and not be judged on what they have to say.

When receiving feedback, always look for the good in a person, however hard this may be sometimes.

A really important consideration is allowing people to have feelings during a constructive feedback conversation. Make space in the conversation to allow people to feel the way they want to feel however it’s important to not take responsibility for their feelings.

Again, keep referring back to your core values especially keeping your integrity intact. Make sure that you don’t start naming and shaming others so as to maintain your credibility and status in the organisation. There is no place for ego.

As a leader we also need to listen and consider what others are saying as well as discuss what might need to change as a result of a feedback conversation.

At all cost avoid being arrogant, self righteous and defensive. Enough said.

Providing constructive feedback can be extremely tough and challenging and if you ask leaders is probably one of the most difficult parts of their jobs. However on the flip side it is extremely powerful when it is executed in the right way. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is about shared responsibility, ownership, an absence of ego, and growth and development.

As leaders, we all have a responsibility to give and receive feedback and consider and apply what has been said in order to develop as an organisation.