Theme 5: Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart

Every time I hear this mantra/advice championed by vulnerability and shame researcher, Brené Brown it gives me an incredible amount of hope around what I need to do to continue to live and lead effectively.

Like any area of growth, the only regret I have, is not coming across it earlier! I’m sure I could have used it a great deal especially with some of the leadership experiences I have faced in the past!

Leading with a strong back, soft front and wild heart enables 'true belonging' in our organisations. Why? because it ensures we are leading with care and compassion.

In order for this this to be the 'norm' in our schools and organisations where we lead, I believe there is work to be done.

Brown recommends that we remove the armour off our fronts (defensiveness, ego, self righteousness, fear etc) to reveal and deal with our vulnerabilities. Vulnerabilities meaning the emotions that surface when leading especially when things become tough. 

As a leader, you’ll know what I mean. There are several examples from the past when I have ‘armoured up’ mostly to avoid the fear of failing or stuffing up!

Strong backs are vital in terms of leadership. If we have a strong back, we lead confidently, back ourselves and have self respect. We don’t allow others to affect or silence us. Strong backs are there to hold us up however Brown makes it clear that a strong back and soft front can’t exist without each other.

I really like the term ‘wild heart’ as it conjures up all the feelings we can experience not only in leadership, but also life for example the need to be tough and tender, brave and afraid, demonstrating grit and grace all at the same time. A strong back, soft front and wild heart has the capacity to hold all of this.

A wild heart is about being courageous enough as a leader to say “I’m here and I’m whole just as I am part”. This is the brave part according to Brown. 

This whole, part dimension is also important as I believe it reminds us that in order to be   ‘wholehearted’ we also need to be authentic, honest and true. This can be really challenging as a leader and can often require support and encouragement from others who we can trust and learn from. 

Three key  questions /next steps:

1. As a leader how are you ensuring you maintain a strong back and have respect for yourself?

2. As a leader how are you developing a soft front and exercising your vulnerability muscle to soften and stay open instead of armouring up and getting defensive and attacking?

3. Are you leading with a wild heart and being tough and tender, brave and afraid, demonstrating grit and grace all at the same time?

Theme 4: Perfectionism

When we look back on our lives especially the time we have spent leading we can do two things: dwell negatively on our failures, things that didn't go according to plan and regrets or reflect back on those times and think about the lessons we learnt as a result. This post is about what I have learnt in regards to perfectionism.

Past limiting beliefs:

• I have needed to strive for perfectionism and prove myself to others.
• Spending more hours working or at work will ensure I am always ‘on top’ of things.
• If I am aiming for perfectionism, this will impact positively on my team and increase their productivity.
• If I don’t model perfectionism, I will lose credibility and trust with my team.
• I will increase my knowledge and understanding of running an organisation by aiming for perfectionism.
• People won’t judge or analyse my performance as a leader if I don’t make mistakes and fail.

Looking back on this list, it’s a challenge to acknowledge that these beliefs have guided me on my quest to look and do everything just right. After a number of internal and external challenges, I came to the hard cold realisation that things needed to change and I needed to break this pattern of behaviour - of trying to be a perfectionist.

What I’ve learnt by reading, researching and talking to others:

• Perfectionism is a myth.
• Perfectionism is about pleasing, performing, proving, perfecting
• Perfectionism is an unsustainable behaviour which is often the cause of major health issues including depression, anxiety and in my case burnout.
• As leaders, we need to continually look for indicators we are setting the bar too high for ourselves.
• We can still strive for excellence in a healthy way without being a perfectionist.
• Modelling perfectionism has an incredibly negative impact on a team.
• Exhaustion, business and productivity are not signs of effective leadership. No one is impressed by these qualities. 
• As leaders, we need to invest time in attending to fears and feelings around the likes of perfectionism or an unreasonable amount of time managing ineffective and unproductive behaviour.
• Research states that perfectionism impedes achievement. 
• Effective leaders encourage teams to discuss perfectionism before it has the ability to impact negatively on the culture of a group or organisation.

What are your thoughts around perfectionism? 

What strategies do you use to ensure you continue to aim for excellence without becoming a perfectionist?

Theme 3: Purpose

The lockdown period has given me time to think about my future and where I’m at especially in terms

of my career. During challenging times like we have experienced, we have two choices. We could get cynical and negative especially around the uncertainty that potentially lies ahead, or we can use this experience to review our future and formulate some new goals and aspirations. Over the last few weeks, I have been working on strategies to reinvent myself. One of the first steps has been to define my ‘purpose’ which will allow me to search for greater meaning in my life. 

I have used the following themes to get some clarity along the way. Have a read over these and let me know your thoughts.

Definition
What is your purpose? Time needs to be spent unpacking this key question. Once you have clarity around what you are here for, it’s important to protect this purpose and not to be negatively influenced by others. Your purpose is rare, so nurture it.

Identity 
We can’t underestimate the importance of creating an identity for ourselves. What characteristics make us unique and special? How can these characteristics be highlighted, utilized, marketed?

Values
I think it’s crucial that we spend time formulating and continually reviewing the values that define us either as a person or leader. I often discuss these with people I respect and ask them to give me feedback around how I am ‘living out’ these values. 

Authenticity
At all stages of your life, it’s important to be your true authentic self. It’s really easy to get drawn into people or groups that don’t necessarily fit your values and beliefs, which can make it difficult to maintain your purpose. As a result, we can end up living a life that’s not ours.

Perspective
I’m always aware of not chasing or pursuing things that are not important or don’t relate to my goals. Run your own race and don't get too tied up trying to compete with others. The competition needs to be in our own space.

Strengths and weaknesses
Are you aware of your key strengths and do you make the most of these strengths? I think it’s also really important to understand what our weaknesses are and be courageous enough to place yourself in uncomfortable situations where you can develop these. This is where real learning takes place. 

Belief 
Self-doubt cripples our ability to take risks, have a go and be creative. We all have to work hard on strategies for increasing our confidence and self-esteem. This happens by setting small, achievable steps for ourselves.

‘We’ not ‘I’
I firmly believe that real purpose comes from not filling our own bucket, but that of others. The people who often feel most satisfied and happy with their lives are those who have been generous and of service to others. Just remember, there is no cap on what we can give. 

Theme 2: We Become What We Think About

"The only limits in life, are those we impose on ourselves" - Bob Procter

Recently I listened to a really valuable podcast. Lewis Howes an influential lifestyle entrepreneur and high performance business coach in the US, interviewed Bob Proctor. 

Proctor is considered to be one of the greatest speakers in the world on the topic of getting rich. He teaches people how to understand their hidden abilities to do more, be more and have more in every area of life.

His thinking on how we can achieve 'success' is based on some really fundamental principles and years of experience and knowledge. 

Although his key messages are around accumulating wealth, his ideas can be applied to any aspect of life where you are wanting to personally grow and develop, for example strengthening your school leadership abilities. Getting rich can be interpreted in a number of ways!

For me, the most important theme that came from this podcast was: we become what we think about.

Thinking as we know can have both positive and negative effects. So much time can spent overthinking and worrying about things that have either happened, could happen, or may not happen which as we know, can be a total waste of time and energy!

As a result we can start to doubt ourselves and question our ability which ultimately has a really negative impact on our core purpose to lead a rich and fulfilling life.

We can do better than this!

Key takeaways from this podcast:

1. Although we often can't change our conditions or circumstances, we don’t have to allow them control us. We often can’t control what is going on outside, but we can change what’s going on inside.

2. Everyone has great reservoirs of talent.

3. To believe in fear is to believe in something you can’t see. To believe in faith is to believe in something you can see.

4. We need to understand that the universe operates by laws. One of the laws is the Law of opposite. The opposite of doubt and worry is understanding.

5. We need to be strong enough to say "I’m going to follow my dream".

6. There is no end to growth, you always need to grow. You have infinite potential. There is no top.

7. The purpose of a goal is not necessarily to reach the goal, it’s the awareness as you go after it. You’re learning who you are. It’s becoming aware of who you are.

8. One of the secrets of getting where you need to go is …. help! Seek the advice of an experienced mentor.

9. Affirmations, gratitude, writing things down is really important. Everyday record down 10 things you are grateful for.

10. If you think it, you can do it.

Theme 1: People With Grit Don't Quit

What leads to successful outcomes? There are several characteristics that come into play.

1. The need to have a really clear picture in your mind around what it is exactly you want to achieve and then developing a path with the steps that are required. One strategy we used Te Uru Tarata was starting with the end game (future perfect) which meant we had a solid understanding of our WHY and what it was we actually wanted to achieve. I want to reiterate the 'we' not I here!

2. A number of human behaviours and characteristics come into play. I was taught from an early age to work hard. With this ethic comes skills such as grit, determination, tenacity, resiliency and most importantly belief. However, we need to keep developing these characteristics as it's so so easy to get stuck in a negative mind space especially when we get setbacks.

3. Recording wins and progresses no matter how small they are. I often use the old fashioned way of journaling. Nothing is more satisfying than looking back at these at the end of a day or week to see what has been achieved.

4. Keep thinking about your end goal or future perfect. Record it on a post-it note and display it in a prominent space.

5. Don't ever let disappointment or disapproval get in your way. If you feel passionate about something, you will do all you can to achieve success. When people know your genuine purpose and intentions, they will often do all they can to support your cause.

6. Be grateful for the wins when you get them by either thanking the universe or the person who helped you achieve your outcome. I often write quick emails to personally acknowledge the person for what they did to help. This is also a great way to build really solid connections with others.