Leaders generally don’t enjoy this part of their job and can use a number of strategies to escape certain issues, problems or concerns instead of being courageous enough to tackle them head-on.
Why are these types of conversations avoided?
There are a number of reasons.
A thought can exist that if an issue, problem or concern is left long enough, it will magically
disappear! However, for those of us who have led organisations, this is often not the case. Instead
what we tend to see is it manifesting and getting worse if left not addressed.
Acclaimed shame and vulnerability researcher, Brené Brown has identified a number of reasons why leaders don’t have brave conversations with their employees; these include a lack of courage and a lack of skills. Interestingly enough she also uncovered that often there is a cultural norm that exists in organisations around being nice and polite.
This ‘nice and polite’ culture is about leaders being more interested in maintaining a positive relationship with employees than improving standards and outcomes. As a result, an organisation's vision and values are often severely compromised.
What can happen when leaders avoid hard and tough conversations?
A lack of clarity and coherence in an organisation.
A decline in engagement and trust.
A lack of respect.
An increase in behaviour that is difficult to manage.
Recently I surveyed two highly competent leaders whose leadership skills I have admired over the years. One has been trained in either Open to Learning Conversations and both are trained coaches. I used the following survey questions to gather some data and gain their perspective on this important topic. Here are their responses:
1. Why do you think some leaders avoid brave, tough, courageous conversations?
Leader 1:
• Emotions play a big part here. People do not like to upset others. They may be concerned that they could be perceived as not being supportive or looking after the well being of the other person.
Leader 2:
• A lack of training of the Open to Learning process so, therefore, the lack of understanding of it and how to use it.
• A lack of courage – wanting to be nice to the staff. In my experience, these people really
come a cropper as they don’t understand that it’s not about nice but about effectiveness. You can do Open to Learning Conversations and maintain someone’s mana and your own. I have worked with many schools where the principal has not had clear expectations and in most of those cases, the school has been arranged around the needs of staff, not children. On the other hand, there are those that want to tell staff off. Sometime this might need to happen- in a respectful way!
• Many leaders do not apply the ladder of inference (not making assumptions) in their daily work so make all sorts of assumptions without collecting the data or information.
• Some of our leaders have a lack of self-awareness – those important interpersonal
skills.
2. How have you developed/refined your skills in this area over the time you have led an organisation?
Leader 1:
• I try not to leave these conversations and ponder on them. You are better to have an open honest discussion with someone rather than leave a situation which you know needs to be addressed. These situations don't go away, they usually get worse over time.
Leader 2:
• I have been taught a process through various programme and subsequent courses.
• Teach the process.
• Practice the process with leadership – a lot of training on the process and on the questions.
3. What have you learnt from the tough and courageous conversations you have had in the past?
Leader 1:
• The person you need to talk to usually knows there is something that is not right and wants to get sorted too. They respect you for addressing an issue which they often don't know what to do about either. If it is a situation which they are unaware of, then they can work towards a solution in partnership with you.
Leader 2:
• Use the process – it keeps everyone safe.
• Clear evidence and your questions are the key.
• Being present and willing to have your assumptions challenged.
4. What advice have you got for new and emerging leaders around developing the skills around tough and courageous conversations?
Leader 1:
• Make sure you have someone taking notes throughout the conversation.
• Stay solutions focussed.
• Do not lay blame or buy into any destructive discussions.
• Try to keep emotions out of the conversation.
• Be open-minded, flexible in your thinking and prepared to change the outcome which you may have thought about prior to the meeting. You have to take the information shared by the other person into account before planning the next steps to be taken. It is a really positive feeling when you get a resolution to these significant challenges.
Leader 2:
• Do the training on Open to Learning Conversations or at least check out the process – it’s all online.
• If you have a Professional Learning Group, practice with them.
• Be brave and have a go.
• Prepare – follow the structure and prepare- including having good evidence- Be really honest and don’t pussyfoot around the issue. Clearly state what you mean.
• WRITE IT ALL DOWN.
• Ensure you are going in down the ladder of inference. Make sure your questions are curious – you are really seeking to understand. Choose some good questions you might like to ask. Most should be open questions.
• Be present – the first rule of coaching – arrange a time to have total focus on the person and the conversation.
• When you get to the part where you are working with them to move forward, listen carefully and reflect on what they are saying without rushing in. Use your pause button.
• At all times work to maintain the person mana – if you follow a process, you have good evidence and you are well prepared and willing to get to a solution this will happen. Don’t blame or abuse.
• Part of the process is to be accountable and committed to finding solutions – I say when I’m training – give one. You may have to accept some responsibility.
• PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.
• Regularly have training sessions with your leadership teams – it will give them confidence. I encourage mine to document a real conversation and come and try it out on me.
From their great responses, what themes and patterns can you see emerging?
What are the alternatives to avoiding brave and tough conversations?
If you are leading an organisation, there is no getting around this one. Tough and brave
conversations are part of your job as well as developing a culture where these types of
conversations are the norm. When I was principal of Te Uru Tarata, I found modelling these types of conversations gave other leaders in the school confidence to do the same.
As a leader, you need to take responsibility and play your part in tough and brave conversations. Yes, this does mean taking ownership for what you have done and said if needed. This does not, however, mean that you need to own something that you have not created and caused in the first place which can sometimes happen to help appease and cover over a situation.
All the experts around brave and tough conversations will also provide you with advice around staying true and explicit to your own values. I’m sure you have witnessed situations in the past where leaders have severely compromised their own values and as a result, have lost trust with their employees.
As a leader, it is really important to be clear around your intentions when leading an organisation and sticking to your vision. Although developing a strong, positive culture where all employees get on is important, it is not necessarily what makes the biggest difference around improvement.
This leads me to my next point, the importance of ensuring people’s integrity stays intact during brave or courageous conversation. I have witnessed examples in the past where leaders have belittled or talked down to employees to maintain a level of mana or respect. However as we know, this way of often falling flat and creates more a lack of respect. Your role as a leader is to create conditions in your workplace where employees are listened to and respected. As a result, you develop trust and connection with others. Remember, always leave your ego at the door.
When reflecting on our leadership experiences from the past, I think we have all been guilty of wanting to create a harmonious culture, where there are few issues and challenges, and those that do come up are dealt with quickly. However, as we know this may be our ‘future perfect’ however not necessarily the reality. If you are going to successfully lead an organisation there will always be issues, problems, tension to deal with. It’s how we deal with these challenges that make a difference.
Finally, some important advice from Brené Brown ‘Clear is kind, Unclear is unkind’. Always ensure you do your best to plan any brave or courageous conversations you have within your organisation. Unless the problem, issue or concern is urgent, give yourself the gift of time. There are a number of models and scaffolds that exist, that can be used for these types of conversations.
If you would like to learn more about the processes around brave and tough conversations, please contact me. I also use an accredited coaching programme to work with leaders to increase their understanding and knowledge in this area.
